Rachel

Geed days.. mon :)

2009-11-11T19:29:41Z

diet coke makes me feel bloated and windy... yak!

i did good today.. that's two days in a row.
i'm not going to congradulate myself just yet.. maybe after the 4th day i will.
for sure i'll know if i've broken my horrible b/p cycle by then.

DAY 1

2009-11-10T07:14:30Z

it's 7am.. i'm not even tired and i've been on toilet most of this morning and last night.. damn Lax's - one minute they don't work and the next! .. it's not good. I fell out with my parents last night, big time, at around 12am, i didn't have anything else to do so i took the car keys and just took off, i didn't care where i went, just aslong as i had somewhere to drive too and sit and think about how shit my life is. When i came out of toilet my dad hugged me and apoligised.. it still seems like an endless cycle though. I've just had a mint hot chocolate to start my day.. i feel like the fattest pig alive right now which isn't at all a good start to my day, but something i'm rather used to tbh. Babysitting this morning and taking my niece to playschool at half past 12. Getting my mate at 2pm then coming home at 4pm. I will have my apple then.. i will cut it into slices and make it last and hour.. i don't deserve to enjoy food. i WILL lose half a stone by this Saturday.. just watch me. I'm not going to allow this fat to infest itself on me any longer. I'm not going to let food infest into my body any longer. It ends here.. no more. If i dye, so be it. Atleast i'm dying doing something i used to love doing, before it took over completely i mean.

Hot Chocolate = 33kcals
Burn off 100 doing minor excercises
Drink only water all day/ or green tea
Go buy rowing machine
Have apple for dinner
Go on rowing machine for 1 hr burning around 600-700kcals

total today: -500kcals.

suicidal thoughts.. i just can't take anymore

2009-11-09T23:57:18Z

...nothing is good anymore, and any happiness i once had got stolen from me.
i've made a bid now that i am going to kill myself, i can't live like this anymore, it's not even about being thin now, i'm going to starve myself to death, i can't take anymore, this disorder.. this life, has consumed me and i just can't seem to fight it any longer. starting tomorrow i will eat a apple. and will excercise for one hour everyday.. or more. that day that i calapse will be the day i reach my goal. i just can't take anymore. these thoughts, the pain that i'm causing myself and others around me has already killed me. i'm no longer the girl i once was.. shes gone.
Anorexia has won, i hope that one day i can just wake up and not be here.

Last nights antics

2009-11-09T12:55:20Z

I often have arguments with my mum.. she doesn't really understand the things that i do or the things that i may say or think, even though she's been with me many times with my Dietician and Pyschologist. There was a programme on Sky+ last night that i taped, to sit down and watch, but decided that i would let my mum watch it with me to let her see that it's not just me who does these things, that its a Mental Illness and not a choice or decision to make. The documentary was called "Thin" and it followed the lives of Anorexics in a eating disorder clinic called Renfrew in Florida. It was really good to watch myself aswell because it made you realise the consquences of your actions, even though being told with them, and seeing them everyday. My mum finally began to understand what it is that i go through, and although is hard for her to admit but she has now realised that she knows.. she can't save me. My decision to leave recovery last month was because i wasn't ready. I know no-one is truely ready but for me, continueing on with recovery was making me depressed and all i could think about was dying because i was to low in strength to go through with it. I'm hoping that life at home, although had calmed down since i began recovery will be a little bit better now. I understand it can't be nice for my parents, especially my dad. He's my hero and has always been there to 'pick me up' deep down i know he can't stand watching me hurt and not being able to do anything. I'm not a horrible person, or atleast i try not to be, but the truth is my dads help is just a little to late. When my mum was ill, unstandably he had to take care of her, all eyes on her, she was severely ill and i do understand that. But it only made my dad stressed which resulting in him taking it out on me, which wasn't what i needed especially when i was being bullied at school for being overweight. I wanted to come home and cry about it, tell someone, but i couldnt. My mum had attempted suicide.. coming in home like "i got called a heafer today, and it makes me want to die" would even come close to my mums problems. I've been on my own for so long now, i'm used to it. I deal with problems wrongly i will admit, but atleast i only have myself to rely on, which causes alot less arguments and problems. I can honestly say that i don't know when i am truely going to give recovery 'my all' but what i do know that it isn't going to be soon, nor do i believe that i will ever 'fully' recover.. Anorexia will always be with me.. and thus the reason i curse the day i first starved myself.

quick update

2009-11-08T22:36:19Z

two nights ago i had a major suicidal attempt.. i'm alright now though which i guess is the main thing.
i screwed up today, fucking AGAIN. purged and took my lax's AGAIN, god damnit!
tomorrow WILL fucking be better though (excuse my french!) but it WILL!
getting my new rowing machine.. going to go on it for around 2 hours everyday, burning of every single piece of disgusting and vulgar food that goes past these fat fucking lips of mine!

i will be 117lbs by xmas.. i WILL!

p.s i'm 5 " 11 btw.

The deluded thoughts of an Anorexic ..

2009-11-07T03:00:20Z

it's 3am, i can't sleep and all that keeps running through my head is the food that i've eaten today i need to burn off and i can't help but think negatively about everything right now. my 'goal' weight is to be 117lbs (bmi:16) but is this really my 'goal' am i going to be happy at this weight? content? deep down i know i'm not. so why do i do this? why do i continue to lose weight, get to a certain 'goal' and then realise i need to lose more? why can't i just be happy with my body? i can help but think, that in the end, all i want to do is dissapear.. die. sooner or later the consquences of my actions are going to catch up with me.. it doesn't matter if its not today, tonight, tomorrow or even in several years to come. It's coming, and i can't seem to stop it, and it doesn't seem to scare me in the slightest. when i think of reasons to live, even though they're might be more on the list than if i were to right a list for dying.. but for some reason being thin doesn't even come close to any of the things i desire to live for. if i die thin, then i'll still be happy because atleast then, i've acheived my goal.

but the question is.. was my goal from the very beginning to die? when i was overweight, began controlling my food did i think that in five years from then i would die for it? no..

but now, i would/am continuing to damage my body, killing myself slowely everyday to obtain something that i can only dream of seeing because this illness won't let me see my true self ?

if this is the case then why can't i recover? why can't i seek motivation to stop this? to not want to die.
this isn't just a bad day for me, i've been thinking this all for a while now, it's been popping into my head more and more.. when will enough, ever really be.. enough?

is it when i begin to throw up blood?
is it when i start to feel my heart fighting more to keep up with what i'm doing?
is it when my hunger pains get uncontrollably sore?
when i become hooked on lax's/drugs/durietics?
when i begin to feel faint or when my body clearly can't take anymore?

when is it?

because it seems that even through all that the only thing running through my head is.. i'm doing well, i'm keeping control, i'm doing what a good girl should be doing.

should this scare me?
because, it doesn't.

when i was younger, i was so carefree.. i wanted to become a Vet, live in a big house, with a husband and at least 2 kids.. one boy one girl.. i wanted to see the world, travel, come home and visit my parents who would be so proud to call me they're own.

... now this dream seems so distant. my thoughts at school were dominated by losing weight, resulting in me never being able to have the academic ability to become a vet, i'm to self obsessed to have a boyfriend let alone find someone who would want to marry me, my body is in so much pain they're is noway i could have kids, and as for a big house and travelling.. i don't work because my self confidence is at an all time a low, and to traval = money, something i don't have.. and then my parents are so dissapointed in me right now they may never be proud of me. this dream has been crushed. it's been taken away from me from something that i fucking hate! but love and can't seem to live without at the same time.

... When will it end ?
because i'm beginning to think that it's never going too.

New Regime

2009-11-05T10:55:28Z

today i'm beginning a new regime.. 300kcal a day burning off mostly all of it each day.
I think i should be able to be down to my pre-recovery weight, or lower by xmas nightout.

so far today i've had 60kcals for dinner i'm having 230kcals :) total: 290kcals.

Losertown stats that if i continue to do my excercises + my 300kcal a day i should be down to 117lbs come Christmas Eve that's a BMI of 16. i'm 5"11 by the way.

i'm feeling quite determined, NOT GOING TO BINGE. i'm sick of it.

Starting this thing over.

2009-11-05T01:40:15Z

Hiya! As you can see if you read my Journal daily that i have deleted all my posts. This is merely because i'm starting completely over.

I'll start with some facts about myself. I suffer with Anorexia Nervosa, i've suffered for five years but only have been one year diagnosed (took four years to accept help) I've attempted recovery four times in total (3 times by myself) but failed miserably at all attempts. I have relapsed really badly at the moment, falling back into my bad behaviours but even worse because i'm now falling into the catagory of Bulimia now too. I've gained a stone since recovery began, I'm disgusted, sick and tired of the stress that i'm in. I don't like my body, even more so now. I would recommend to anyone who is seeking recovery or even just thinking about it to realise what its intailed before you do, for one, you have to REALLY want it, be ready for the ups and the DOWNS because believe me, if you think living with this illness is bad, attempting to recover takes true will power and strength.. something that right now in my life, i'm lacking in. My eating disorder was in somewhat way inherited from my mother. She also suffers from a Mental Illness except it's Severe Pyschotic Depression, five years ago my mom attempted suicide, resulting in myself dealing with problems on my own which therefore triggered my Mental Illness, but because i was an overweight kid (and yes, i was actually medically obese) I developed Anorexia rather than what my mother suffers from. Basically, i lost control and am seeking it else where, which is pretty typical. There's probably nothing i can tell you that's something you don't already know or feel yourself. I'm just here hoping for support and basically a 'shoulder to cry on' when times get extremely overwhelming which lately have been. I really like to know that i'm helping other people to though so if anyone is thinking of recovery please feel free to email me on here and i can let you know what sort of things i had to do.. (i'm outpatient) as there are excercises in which you can do to help aid your recovery from your ED. I'm not Pro-Ana and i never have been Pro-Ana, when i write to the to a community or my journal, i write to let everything that i've been having to hold in, out. I write because they're are people there who truley understand what i am going through, and it helps to not feel so alone. I honestly don't know what i would do without having my friends here to talk too. I actual dread to think. Anyway, random things about me are probably that i'm Sarcastic alot of the time.. often results in my Humour being really dumb and stupid so i apoligise in advance for that. I'm polite (or atleast, i'd like to think so) easy going, and although i'm rather quiet at times and take mostly everything people say to heart, i can always defend myself and my friends no matter what. I've been put forward for a place in the Royal Air Force next year, but due to my circumstances i think it's either going to make me.. or break me. I can be quite up and down most of the time.. nothing ever grey, just black or white in my books. I'm not afraid of alot of things.. death being one of them. I'm not afraid to die. I don't know why or how but i'm not. This could easily be my Anorexic thoughts but in complete honesty i will give my life up to be what i strive for. Its sick, twisted but bottom line is, this is my life with Anorexia.